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Children, Parent

Different STYLES of ATTACHMENT

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Different STYLES of ATTACHMENT 

By James Kagombe


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Early childhood is extremely critical and forms a foundation and basis for many aspects of our adult life. One of the areas that early childhood experiences shape is how we relate with ourselves and others, This is largely influenced by the child's consistent primary caregiver and forms a lasting impression and pattern even later in life. 

The primary caregiver is not limited to the biological parents or mother but rather the one who is there consistently meeting the needs of the child. 


Children form an internal reference point largely informed by the interactions with their primary caregiver. This strongly guides future interactions and connections with others and especially in close and meaningful relationships. 

While there may be other contributing factors, our childhood experiences are strong predictors of our future styles of attachment. 



Attachment styles 


Our Attachment style or ability to connect with people can either be secure or insecure. It may also vary from one relationship to another I,e close friend, spouse, children, family. 


1. Secure attachment.


The caregiver who is consistent, responsive, and assuring to the child's needs, helps the child develop many positive traits like trust, confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, value, and assurance, feelings of acceptance.


The child is therefore able to go out and explore more knowing that they have a secure place that they can return to and can handle the distance or space from the caregiver because they are confident that they will return.

The child is able to grow up to be a wholesome secure individual and can easily develop trust which is a key pillar in close and meaningful relationships. 


They are also able to handle space and distance from their relationships and are able to express their relational needs positively and are more likely to seek help when in need and develop connections easily with others. 


2. Insecure attachment 


This happens when a child's primary caregiver is inconsistent, unpredictable, disengaged, anxious, unresponsive, unavailable, indifferent, rejecting, aggressive, abusive, or disapproves of the vulnerability of the child and their needs.

Insecure attachment can also be experienced when the child's primary caregiver dies or there is long-term separation maybe by divorce or imprisonment or long illness or maybe distance because of work. The caregiver might also be struggling with trauma in their own life, addiction, or even depression or mental health issues.

The child is insecurely attached and feels insecure and can't trust or rely on the caregiver. This can lead to extreme anxiety. When the child is left alone, they could suppress these feelings and act as if they are fine outwardly but inside they are constantly anxious.



Signs of insecure attachment 


Children with insecure attachment are highly irritable, negatively seek attention, act out in mood swings, have anger, and tantrums, are inconsolable when they cry or are sad, and reject and act aloof when the caregiver returns after a period of separation.


Such children may not feel confident to explore life, try new things or even express themselves especially their weakness or places of struggle and might not easily ask for help. They may easily develop unhealthily independence.



Insecure attachment implications in adulthood


As adults this insecure attachment style could present itself especially in close relationships mostly by how they express their relational needs, How they react in moments of normal or longer separation or in moments of conflict and distress and how they react after the moments of separation, when they are connected back to those close to them.


In adulthood, their relational expectations, beliefs, emotions and responses are informed by their earlier attachment style especially in times of distress. They struggle feeling loved and do not easily trust others. They might also develop extreme anxiety especially when alone or when confronting others especially when their relational needs are not met or when anxious of losing their relationship. 


They might also be moody, hyper-sensitive and easily hurt, They might also be clingy and come off as needy and employ negative attention seeking behaviour and may always be fault finding and overly critical. 


Others may avoid closeness and intimacy and act distant and unavailable. They can be fiercely independent and find it difficult communicating their relational needs and therefore suppress and create a facade that everything is okay and later act out in bursts of anger and dissociation and separation,


They might also be impulsive, manipulate, throw blame to others for their actions ,justify their actions and react aggressively to being corrected or even turn abusive and violent.



However all is not lost, we can unlearn our childhood attachment styles and learn new and healthier ways of interacting and connecting with others and how to better parent and care for our children


We seek help and support from others and develop our awareness, identity and, personality, Through this, we can learn better interpersonal skills, be more assertive and establish better ways to communicate our needs. It will also help us be more resilient and adaptable and able to cope with distress and explore life and multiple positive interactions as well as create life experiences and friendships


The most powerful tool for both the parent and child is the Word of God and a personal relationship with Him. 

We can trust in God in all things and at all times, He provides that safe place of unconditional love and acceptance in Christ Jesus and we can launch out from this safe place having been enabled to do and be all that He created us to be.

We should allow God's word to change and influence how we see ourselves and others, our perspectives, our thoughts, our behaviors, and our reactions towards ourselves, others, and life situations. We can know that we are soo loved in Christ and begin to love ourselves wholesomely and become secure and begin to interact, connect and love others.


REFLECTION: 


1. How can the different parental styles influence and affect the attachment styles and what would this look like in the child's adult relationships later in life?


2. Some of the thoughts of a person who has insecure attachment are; I am not understood, I am not loved, I am always rejected, I am always taken advantage of, people always hurt me, people are always unavailable, I don't measure up, I will never succeed, my needs are not being met, my partner is undependable, I am unworthy of love, I feel alone in the relationship


How does the word of God address these thoughts?

Parent

The Four Parenting Styles

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Parenting styles describe the way a parent deals with their child, especially in issues of counsel, discipline, and guidance.


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There are four broad categories of parenting styles;


1. The Authoritarian Parent


This is an overly strict parent who is big on punishment and over-disciplining their children. They dictate the behaviour of the child by use of tough discipline. This parent often overlooks the feelings or explanations of the child and rarely explains their rules or reason for punishment.

Children raised by authoritarian parents obey and follow their parent’s rules primarily because of the fear of punishment.


Signs that you may be too strict on your child,


  2. - Your child lies a lot
  3. - You struggle with other children’s lack of discipline
  4. - You have a long list of rules
  5. - You do not allow the child to be themselves.
  6. - You are consistently arguing, threatening, or punishing your child

  8. Effects on Authoritarian Parenting

Children are at a high risk of having esteem issues. Because of this style of parenting, they may not learn to believe in themselves or express themselves. They can also be hostile and aggressive as a reaction to living under strict rules and excessive discipline. The children may also become good liars as an acquired mechanism of avoiding punishment.


2. Permissive Parenting

 

A permissive parent seeks to be liked by their children more and will therefore give children a free choice to do as they please. They do not want to have any conflict with their children. They set rules but will rarely enforce them and therefore, their rules are rarely followed. Permissive parents are always forgiving and give excuses for their children's bad behaviour. Permissive parents will also give in to their children’s demands.


Effects of Permissive Parenting

 

Research has shown that children brought up by permissive parents will tend to be impulsive and disregard rules.

They may also grow up to struggle with excesses, for example, drug addiction and living for the party. Other problems may include health issues such as obesity and tooth cavities.


If you discover that you have permissive tendencies, you first need to appreciate that the role of providing guidance belongs to you as a parent. You, therefore, need to have a participatory way of providing and enforcing rules and guidelines for their betterment. You also need to keep your word and ensure that discipline is enforced when your child disobeys.


3. Uninvolved Parent


An uninvolved parent is too “busy” for his or her children and will rarely spend meaningful time with them. They do not find out about the child’s day, help with homework, or care to find out how their children are doing. They may be too engrossed with their career or preoccupied with their issues to the extent that they neglect their child. Such parents will rarely hug their children, play with them or care about their performance in class, their friends, or their talent.

Due to a lack of nurturing, guidance, and parental attention, children raised by uninvolved parents tend to struggle with esteem issues, poor performance in school, and will generally be emotionally detached and unhappy.


Parents with demanding careers need to be very intentional and plan for time with their children.

On the other hand, parents who may be going through difficult times need to be cognizant and careful to ensure that they protect their children from their pain. They can do this by trying their best to nurture and pay attention to their children.

 

4. Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative parents provide guidance and mentor their children while considering their contributions and feelings. They take time to create a genuine relationship with their children by providing avenues for consistent interaction. They listen to their children and understand them.


In as much as they allow a child to express themselves, authoritative parents are also firm in providing guidance and counsel to their children. They encourage and reward their children for good attitude and behavior while disciplining them for wrongdoing.


Effects of Authoritative Parenting


Research has shown that children raised by authoritative parents are more confident, responsible, and aware of themselves. They express themselves with comfort while being more relational and empathetic. This may in turn lead to a more stable, successful, and fulfilling life.


Authoritative parenting should be the goal of every parent. Though we may fall short on various occasions or may have started in the wrong way, there is always room to correct and improve the style and quality of our parenting.

Parent

Your Children Are Copying You

by admin

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Children are always paying attention to the world around them. They watch their parents, siblings, and caregivers and imitate them. While we know that children will not be exactly like their parents, a parent's imprint lasts a lifetime. 


A research study that included 3-year-olds showed that children learned habits and language from their parents and caregivers. Albert Bandura, a renowned psychologist, called this modeling. He stated that people, especially children, learn by copying the behaviors of those around them.


Why Do Children Copy You? 


A developmental psychologist at the University of Zurich, Moritz Daum, has highlighted two reasons children copy their parents. Here are the reasons;

  1.  - The primary reason is learning: children are like sponges; they absorb everything from their environment. Copying increases their knowledge, awareness, social skills, and behavior.
  2.  - Copying creates a sense of belonging. It helps a child to identify as part of a family or community. 


When Do Children Start Copying You?


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A child will start copying you from birth. They will reach out their arms when you pick them up. They will smile when you do and stick out their tongues if you do. By six months, they start to understand intentional behavior. 

Children do not know if what they are imitating is appropriate or not. 


What Does the Bible Say? 


Paul urged the people of Corinth in the book of 1st Corinthians 11:1 to imitate him as he imitates Christ. He gave a template for parents to follow. 


Peter Tan Chi wrote in his book "Motivate" that one of the keys to biblical parenting is modeling. Parents should model Christ-like behavior to their children. He mentioned that he has realized that children do what you do, not what you say, in his many years of parenting. 


Some key behavior you can model in your children include; Christ-like behavior. love, humility, patience, forgiveness, kindness, faithfulness, self-control, politeness, healthy habits, proper use of media and gadgets, healthy eating, exercise, sleep, proper work ethics, importance of having fun.


Final Word 


Your Children are copying you. Does your life reflect what you wish for your child? One of the basics of parenting is first working on your behavior, and your children will follow. Ask God to help you be a good role model to your children.

Parent

Why We Should Be Like Children

by admin

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When walking around my neighborhood, I noticed that children were very quick to greet me, their faces shone, and their expressions were genuine. This was so unlike the adults, including me, who would not even look up or smile. 

The reasons why children are happy like that is because

  • They are innocent, so they can trust easily and smile genuinely.
  • Children forgive so easily when offended; they do not carry grudges.

God desires us to be like children before him, but that is not all; he calls us his children! Sadly, we have been wounded and disheartened, so we are not quick to trust or embrace others. 

God calls us to love others, and He even says that loving others is a sign that we are his children.

However, how can we love when we have been hurt and wounded? The bible says that love does not keep a record of wrongdoings (1 Corinthians 13: 5b). 

We need to forgive those who hurt us truly, and we do so by drawing the grace and strength to forgive from God. Only God can heal our hearts so that we truly forgive and do not carry wounds in our hearts. By doing this, we will learn what it truly means to genuinely smile, to greet other people along the road without reservation. We will make friends easily, just as children do. 

Ask God to help you heal from past wounds so that you can be as a child.