by Nkirote Mbae
From touching what they shouldn’t, to going where they have been told not to, children have a way of testing their parents’ limits and pushing their buttons. It is important to let children explore and question things to help them acquire independence and form their individual identities. Boundaries however are essential in making sure that they do this respectfully.
Boundaries set out clear guidelines and defined limits. This helps parents and children to avoid arguments, it gives the child a sense of security when a parent is the guide and source of authority and helps the child respect others and have self-control. Boundaries instill discipline and show the child that despite their quest for independence and their desire for defiance, their parents are still in charge. It is therefore necessary that parents establish clear healthy boundaries for their children. Here are a few tips to get you started on setting those healthy boundaries.
01. Clear and effective communication
Let the child know clearly what you expect from them and encourage your child to voice out their opinions, questions, and needs in a respectful way.
02. Do it with love
Be firm but kind when communicating or correcting your child. Do not scold, belittle or yell at the child. Your aim is to mold the child not to demean them, embarrass them or make them question their self-worth.
03. Give room for dialogue
Set clear rules for what is non-negotiable but give room for discussion for boundaries that are flexible. For example, boundaries set for the child’s safety may not be negotiable but some like bedtime or screen time can be adjusted on request if the need arises.
04. Be brief and to the point
While explanations are necessary, children’s attention spans are very low. Be brief and to the point. A long lecture about what they did may not be effective. Associate actions with consequences to make discipline more effective.
05. Be consistent in enforcing the set boundaries.
This avoids confusion and helps the child respect the set boundaries.
06. Patience is key
It may take some time for your child to adjust to the set boundaries, be patient as they get accustomed to following the set rules. Healthy boundaries foster respect and are necessary for good behavior and character.
The Needs of a Child
A child is born with diverse needs. These needs include health, education emotional, identity, relational, social, self-care, supervision, and guidance. These needs should be sufficiently met for a child to grow and mature wholesomely. However, when they are not substantively met or are abused in one form or another, it results in trauma.
The Importance of Our Childhood
Our identity, morals, behavior, and perception of life are substantively established during childhood. Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it
According to the Bible, a large part of who we are is established when we are children. Interestingly, science also supports this truth.
How the Brain Works
Every new memory or experience that we encounter is stored through connections of neurons in our brains otherwise referred to as neural connections. These neural connections affect the way we behave or react to similar experiences or situations in future.
Development of the Brain During Childhood
The human brain develops the fastest within the first 1000 days of life and the rapid growth extends to year 5 or 6. Within this time, millions of neural connections are formed as the child gets to interact and experience his or her environments. These earlier years of life are therefore very critical in forming the foundational neural connections that will by extension affect the way we feel and act all the way into adulthood. Furthermore, the neural connections that are formed from traumatic experiences that result in fear or anxiety either due to abuse or acute neglect of childhood needs get deeply ingrained to our brain and may result in behavior that may be hard to alter even in adulthood.
Effects of Childhood Trauma
Childhood trauma results in a myriad of behavior and responses that run through to adulthood. This includes; poor social skills, low self esteem, poor peer relationships, addictions, depression, aggression, insecure attachment styles, attention deficiencies, poor self regulation, eating and sleeping disorder For example children who are abused sexually may result into two extremes; they may end up being timid have a low esteem and impaired relationships with the opposite sex. Alternatively they may end up being bullies or sexually abuse others.
How do we Heal from Childhood Trauma?
In as much as we have already developed numerous neural connections, and how we feel and behave today has been shaped since childhood, there is still hope. Neural connections can change and adapt to new experiences. This change however happens when an emotion or behavior is sustained over a period of time. For you to change your neural connectors and by extension your behavior or feelings, you will need to be very intentional and patient – as it does take time. And the more ingrained neural connections are, the longer you may need to sustain the new action to change the connection.
For example, if you discover that you are detached from your children as an effect of your being neglected as a child, you can intentionally play with your children, tell your children you love them, spend time with them and find out how their day was. Initially, it may feel awkward and unnatural. However, if you persist with this, you will develop new neural connections that will by extension affect your future response and behavior. Romans 12:2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Other steps that can be of great help while seeking to overcome childhood trauma include; Forgiving your aggressors and letting go of bitterness Breaking generational curses through prayer Memorizing God’s Word addressing your need – and pray Seeking therapy from a qualified counselor