Rethinking the Rod: Discipline Rooted in Relationship

Are You Always Quick to Use the Cane?

I used to be quick to reach for the cane or even pinch my child whenever he wouldn’t listen. It felt instinctive, almost automatic. That’s how I was raised. Canning was the default form of correction in my home and at school. We were punished for disobedience, for being suspected of wrongdoing, and sometimes even when we had done nothing wrong. No explanations, no conversations, just pain.

Looking back, I now question whether this truly aligns with God’s heart. Is this what God meant when He said, “Spare the rod and spoil the child”? I don’t believe so. The God I know is not quick to punish. He is gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love.

God’s Model of Discipline: Grace Before Wrath

Throughout Scripture, we see a pattern in how God disciplines His children. Take the Israelites, for example. Before punishment ever came, God gave them His laws. He clearly laid out what was expected of them, and He explained both the blessings of obedience and the consequences of rebellion.

“See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse—the blessing if you obey the commands of the Lord your God… the curse if you disobey” (Deuteronomy 11:26–28).

Even when they turned away from Him, God didn’t rush to judgment. He sent judges, prophets, and messengers to call them back. He used vivid illustrations like Hosea, the prophet who married a prostitute, to demonstrate His relentless love and desire for reconciliation (Hosea 1–3).

Yes, God eventually allowed punishment, but only after many warnings. And even in discipline, He promised restoration:

“Though I completely destroy all the nations among which I scatter you, I will not completely destroy you. I will discipline you but only in due measure” (Jeremiah 30:11).

What’s the Goal of Discipline?

The goal of parenting and discipline is not control. It’s relationship. It’s about building trust, love, and respect. We want our children to grow up knowing they are seen, heard, and deeply loved even when they make mistakes.

Being slow to anger, quick to listen, and always seeking restoration should be our parenting posture. Our homes should reflect the heart of the Father: full of truth, yes, but also full of grace.

Does this mean we shouldn’t discipline our children? Not at all. The Bible still says:

“Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them” (Proverbs 13:24).

But there’s a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline is rooted in love, correction, and guidance. Punishment, especially when impulsive or harsh, often stems from frustration or fear.

A More Thoughtful Approach to Discipline

Biblical discipline is never about punishment for punishment’s sake. It’s about guiding children in love, teaching them right from wrong, and shaping their character for life. Here are practical ways to discipline thoughtfully, rooted in God’s model and supported by modern child development wisdom:

• Clearly State Rules and Expectations
  Just as God gave His people laws and instructions (Deuteronomy 6:6–7), children need to know what’s expected of them. Explain the “why” behind each rule in a calm and age-appropriate way.
  
  “Children do well if they can. When they can’t, we need to figure out what’s getting in their way so we can help.” —Dr. Ross Greene, Clinical Psychologist
  
• Be Honest—Don’t Use Fear or Lies
  Avoid scaring or manipulating children into obedience. Trust is foundational to your relationship.
  
  “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him…” (Ephesians 4:15)
  
• Explain Rewards and Consequences in Advance
  Lay out both the benefits of obedience and the consequences of disobedience. Keep your word once the consequences are communicated.
  
  “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
  
  
• Correct with Patience and Consistency
  Don’t discipline in anger. Consistency helps children understand that boundaries are not emotional reactions but loving guidance.
  
  “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” (Psalm 103:8)
  “Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire.” (Proverbs 29:17)
  
  
• Use Physical Discipline as a Last Resort and With Restraint
  If a spanking is necessary, keep it light and brief—never out of rage. Pastor Mukholwe advises, “Just one or two strokes are enough.”
  
  “He who loves [his child] is careful to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13:24, NIV)
  
  Renowned psychologist Dr. Daniel Siegel notes:
  
  “When we discipline in anger or humiliation, we actually undermine the part of the brain that helps children regulate behavior.”
  
• Discipline Privately, Not Publicly
  Public punishment shames the child and damages their sense of self. Take them aside, ideally to their room, where emotions can be processed with dignity.
  
• Restore the Relationship
  After disciplining, reassure them of your love. Hug them. Remind them that discipline does not change your love or their identity.
  Pray together, asking God for forgiveness and help in moving forward, as Jon Courson encourages.
  
  “Because the Lord disciplines those He loves, as a father the son he delights in.” (Proverbs 3:12)
  “Love covers over a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)

In Conclusion: Discipline with the Heart of the Father

We are not called to parent from a place of fear or tradition, but from a place of love and grace. God’s example shows us that discipline and relationship go hand in hand. He doesn’t rush to punish, but He also doesn’t ignore disobedience. He teaches, warns, corrects, and always restores.

Let’s raise children who don’t just fear the rod, but who trust in our love. Children who understand right from wrong not because they fear pain, but because they value relationships, respect, and truth.

Let our homes reflect the heart of God—firm in truth, overflowing with grace.